The Icky Stuff

After an email vent a friend suggested I share the icky stuff in my blog too. This is hard for me because I feel guilty enough having some of these thoughts let alone writing them down! Sticking to the facts is so much easier. I can see how the icky feelings are a part of our story too and how it may help others so as a way of easing into this the following is a combination of facts and feelings.

At 20 weeks we had the typical ultrasound you have around that time. The appointment went quick and everything was pretty normal. Bella, our 4 year old, was along and we were excited to get our first look at the baby and maybe even find out what we were having. A boy! We were thrilled! Bella demanded to know his name and we left the clinic calling friends and family with the fun news. The doctor followed up to let us know they weren't able to get a good picture of the four valves of his heart (this is common) so he advised us to go back in for another scan at 24 weeks.

At 24 weeks we had the follow-up scan. They don't tell you anything at the scan. The doctors review the images and then contact you with the results. Later that week the doctor called and left a message to let me know they had the results of the ultrasound. This wasn't a good sign because if all was well they would have just sent me a message electronically. Knowing this I was a little nervous to return the call. When I finally got a hold of the doctor she said the heart looked good but the scan indicated the baby may have a cleft lip. She assured me it was more common than people think and very fixable. Looking back, the tech that did the ultrasound did spend a lot of time on the baby's face but we thought she was just trying to get a good picture for us since we didn't get very good images at the first ultrasound. The doctor said we should have a level II ultrasound to get a better look. The news our baby may have a cleft lip came as a shock. You have this expectation that everything is going to be perfect and when you find out it isn't your whole reality shifts. I cried the first two days straight and just felt so sad. I wondered how this could happen, what I did wrong, etc.

At the level II ultrasound, when I was 25 weeks pregnant, we received the confirmation that our little boy does have a cleft lip and probably palate. At this point I had pretty much cried myself out and was just a little sad. After doing some initial research and reading about others who have been through this I felt a lot better. I tried to learn as much as I could about clefts and how others dealt with the same initial fears and concerns. It helped that we were keeping busy with research, doctor appointments, and making sure insurance would cover the doctor we wanted to use for his surgeries. I also started this blog and that kept me busy and gave me something to do. I felt so strong.

Now all we can do is wait. The reality of the situation is starting to wear on me and I am completely overwhelmed. I can't believe this is happening. Everything with Bella was just so perfect.  (It may be time to lay off the internet research!) I can't look at strangers (babies, children, adults) without trying to find other people with clefts. I look at every baby I see and wonder why my baby's lip didn't close. I am just plain mad. It doesn't seem fair that due to some fluke we have a whole other set of issues to deal with. I have fears about how people will respond to our baby at birth and throughout his life and am sad about all the surgeries he will have to go through.

Deep down I know everything will be fine but I have to acknowledge that there might be some bumps in the road.