Waiting

Waiting. Not much else we can do at this point. We are waiting to meet and welcome the newest member of our family and waiting to see and find out about the extent of the cleft. I haven't posted in a while mostly because there isn't much we can do right now. Also, the past couple of months have been an emotional roller coaster and I just needed a little break. I feel like I have spent a lot of time just processing everything.

Finding out about the cleft had put somewhat of a damper on the pregnancy. We waited so long for this baby (even losing one along the way) and I was really looking forward to enjoying the whole experience. I looked forward to the joy and anticipation that comes with a "normal" pregnancy. I feel like I was robbed! Don't get me wrong, Bella is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to us, but she wasn't exactly planned (...or planned to arrive quite so early in our marriage ...or when I was in the middle of graduate school) and I was so scared and felt so unready to be a parent during my pregnancy with her. Of course this all went away the moment she was born. With this baby I feel I understand better the joy and love that take over and that somehow everything works out. I am excited to multiply the light Bella has brought into our lives by two.

I think it is obvious from that last statement that I am finally getting back to a place where I can be excited for the new little person joining our family again. It is not like that ever really went away but all our fears, concerns and preparations for a baby with a cleft had overshadowed everything else for a while. I even had a little bit of anxiety in the baby section at Target the other day. There are still so many unknowns and it gets hard when I think about the little things that will be "different" like the Twins pacifiers and sippy cups I had purchased early in the pregnancy as Christmas gifts for our little guy. Will he even be able to use them?

Many of my fears and concerns have gotten better over time. I have come to realize the cleft is just a part of who our baby is and just like any other parent with a newborn you have to get to know them and figure out what works best for them and all their little nuances. I do still worry a little about how others will respond to him and how I will in turn respond to them. What do you say to the person standing behind you in line at Target staring (yes, this is my favorite store) or a child's innocent questioning. No matter what challenges are ahead I hope we can handle them with strength and a sense of humor.

Since finding out about the cleft we have done our research, met with the cleft team, and become more knowledgeable about our insurance. So what now? Our first hurdle will be feeding so we will continue learning about feeding a baby with a cleft.

All recent doctor appointments have gone great. I am anxiously awaiting fall and all that comes with it including cooler weather, Bella's birthday, holidays, family gatherings and delicious food. Most of all I am anxious and excited for the arrival of our baby.