Brave in War

Less than a week now. Just days until Wyatt's first surgery.

My stomach feels sick at the thought of it. These last days leading up to surgery have been harder than I thought. I knew this first surgery would be here before we knew it but I didn't realize how hard it would be when the time actually came. The reality of what lies ahead is sinking in. I am sad he has to go through this and sad he has to change at all. He is perfection and we love him just the way he is.

I know there are others out there who are facing more unimaginable journeys and for them I am sorry. The reality is we are so very lucky. This surgery is routine and the risk is small. All of the surgeries Wyatt will have are common. The doctor tells us this will be the easiest. Still. There is risk involved.

There is a sense of vulnerability and helplessness I have never felt before. I am going to have to hand over my precious baby to strangers. He will be taken away and put to sleep and he will wake up in pain. I dread all of this. Not being able to feed him before surgery. Waiting. Not being able to comfort him after.

We didn't pay close attention to the meaning of Wyatt's name when we picked it but I don't think it is a coincidence it means brave in war. Our little guy will have to be brave as he faces his first surgery, future surgeries, and other issues related to his cleft. We all will have to be. I will have to be.